You Can't Beat Guns With Karate

Should I be that poet and tell you what to think?
...
I did that, and then deleted it.
I'm a poet, my work is my work and I'm gonna do it whether anybody likes it or not. I'm proud of it, it took a whole lot of serious work to get to this point of ability. I think I have a pretty good idea of how to tell people how to do it, but I don't think anybody but a poet could comprehend it fully (yeah and I don't much care if people think I'm a snob, I am just as much a snob as I am an insecure nightmare). The thing about me is I got this way by working obstinately towards what was for me an unachievable goal for the majority of my life until it killed me a few times, technically, and I just kinda gave up and well, all I had left was all these goddamn songs and stories in my head.
And my kung fu, of course. Everybody has the potential to be a master, I reckon, and it's a pretty obvious road if one wants to go for it, it's just really hard and requires you to be nearly monomaniacal in your pursuit of personal perfection in a particular area. 
I'm not an expert. I couldn't tell Robert Service from Thoreau at a glance most likely, I might even not recognize Blake or emily dickinson and they're two of my faves. I probably wouldn't even know a random passage from the Iliad versus one from the Obyssey or even the Kalevala other'n the names and languages, the number of "must read poets" I have actually read is positively ridiculous. I don't usually read poetry at all, with a few exceptions, I think it's.. well it's poetry, it's music and words and language and symbol... it's math in English or Castellano or whatever, only the "rules" are a lot less tangible, and that's where people like me thrive. I am, on the same hand, a master. I'm not a cartographer or a librarian and I wouldn't even call myself a proper author, I'm a poet.
This is harder for me, and less instantaneously gratifying: Just writing my thoughts about my work. Short of "oh this was inspired by that" or "this character, in my opinion..." I really don't have much but my process, which is just me, my fugue-states and methods of tapping into my Muse, that part of my brain what does the creative shit. 
In a word, Uncompromising. That's what I am. Stubborn, determined, whatever you wanna call it, it's a sheerly appalling lack of personal creativity at base. I'm simple, I have simple goals and I basically discard any part of society that doesn't work for me. If I were more privileged I could do it in style, but as it stands I'm not afraid of dying in poverty, that's how I've lived most of my life. I am upset that it's gonna be sooner rather than later, but I really just want to outlive my elderly parents for their sakes. That's not some wonderful kindness, I've just always wanted to die and yet I have had people I loved die early and it's part of the reason I don't like living anymore.
I say that because it's true, half the time. No matter how many pills I've tried, no matter what the cognitive behavioural therapy, nothing works on me, never did. I had to quit drinking on my own, nothing fucking worked cept nearly killing myself and landing myself in the hospital for an extended stay. I've been depressed since I was 11 years old in La Banda. I also realized very early on how miserable depressed people make everyone around them, so I try to play it off as a joke. But truly, I don't understand why people want to survive a long time. I was beaten from infancy (not my parents, my sibling) and then when I tried to start my own family I married a fuckin abuser because of course I did, how would I recognize anybody BUT an abuser or someone like me, a whipping post or whatever.
But what really got me was just realizing how fucking alone I am.
And yeah everybody is just as alone as I am, it's just their brains have chemicals in them which mine fails to uptake. So even now, when my life is going better than it ever has before, I'm just convinced it's all gonna come crashing down and everybody's gonna mock me. Lord knows I deserve it, goin around telling people the truth as I understand it, what an idiot!
And on that note, back to writing. Heh. See? 18% of a sense of humor, right there! (that's what a psychological test indicated I have. 18% of a "normal" person's sense of humor. Cracks me up every time.)